I make mistakes, DAMMIT!

While Mummy stuffs her face...

Chillin' in the street the other day, like the cool kids that we are, my neighbour made a joke about me being 'Mother of the year'. Once I was done threatening to call to DOCS on her (or whatever they're called these days, please tell me if you know, so I know who to call the next time those poor kids across the road are fed fruit & noodles TOGETHER), I started thinking about the accusation - 'Mother of the year'.

It's not the first time I've been on the receiving end of such an allegation. Recently when I caught up with a friend and loyal reader, Tara, she kept calling me 'Supermum' for the duration of the engagement party. And far too often people remark "I don't know how you do it!"

I'm not here to brag folks, I'm here to set you straight. Mother of the year, I am not. And the only thing 'super' about me is the size of the underwear I have to wear while pregnant...

Kids are falsely accused...

Exhibit A:

The boys were jumping on the trampoline and I noticed a small puddle off to the side. Furious, because H had wet his pants several times that day out of sheer laziness, I directed him to stand in the middle of the yard. Confused, he meandered over to the spot I was pointing at and patiently waited. I grabbed the hose. I put my hand on the tap. "Nnnnooooooo!" he screamed.

"Well why didn't you go to the toilet?" He responded with nothing but a look of confusion.
"Why did you wee on the trampoline?" I asked, as he stood facing the firing squad.
"I didn't..." He answered, still very confused.
J came running over, frantic, desperate to save his brother. "MUUUUMMMMM! That's not wee! There was water in the frisbee!"
On closer inspection I realised they were telling the truth.

Lesson learned: Always ask before pulling the trigger.

And badly injured...

Exhibit B:

I was sitting at my Gramma's house eating a sandwich with A on my lap. I really wanted that sandwich, Mamma was hungry. Babygirl was climbing around and I was just trying to make sure she didn't get her hands on my lunch. She teetered on the arm of the chair and I sat back and took a bite, while she took a dive, landing face first on the coffee table, and rolling off onto the floor. Later that night, when M asked,
"Hey, where did that big scratch on A's face come from?"
I of course told him the truth...
"Oh, she bumped the coffee table at Gramma's."

Lesson learned: Children should always take priority over a sandwich, no matter how tasty it is.

And covered in snot!

Exhibit C:

I've told this one before, but it's such a doozy that I had to share it again. In fact, when I asked M for an example of my bad parenting, he suggested it before I even finished the question... I'm talking about the time I told H I was leaving him at the Post Office.

As we stood behind the car, I explained to him that he couldn't get in with poo in his underpants. I told him that because he was supposed to be a big boy who used the toilet, I had nothing there to clean him with. I told him he would have to wait there while I went home and got him some clean pants. As I walked to the drivers door, expecting him to follow screaming in protest, there was only silence. I turned to see him standing behind the car, hands clasped in front of him, eyes down.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
"I just wait here..." he responded sadly. I almost burst into tears right then and there. My poor 2yr old honestly thought his mummy would leave him on the side of the road!

Lesson learned: You can't use reverse psychology on a toddler. And always travel with clean undies!


So next time I rant on about the magnificent dinners my kids are fed or the fancy loaves of wheat free bread I bake for lunch, just remember, there's no one watching my babies while I'm in the kitchen! It takes a bit of neglect to earn the title of Supermum, you know?