*Disclosure: This post is NOT about you, or your mum, or your neighbours second cousins cat.
Well, except for you, the person who's status this was, and you'll know it's you, so everyone else, it's not you. Why the disclosure? Did you not read my last post?
I've kicked into self-preservation mode... all guns a-blazing.
Shit!
*Second disclosure: The following post is in NO WAY related to the aforementioned disclosure OR to the switching to self-preservation mode.
Completely unrelated. Like, Italian and Japanese unrelated, yeah?
What is it with the human race and our inability to keep our mouths shut? Everyone is an expert, everyone has an opinion, and we all feel that others will benefit from hearing it. Most of the time this is nice, it's good to exchange opinions and share knowledge and most of the time we all have good intentions. But there are some occasions when you really should keep your mouth shut. Sometimes, people offer the advice because it makes themselves feel good. They feel like they've done a good deed and shared their wisdom. But how often do we consider how it makes the other person feel?
An old school friend with a 2 week old baby boy recently wrote a status update that said she was going to start sleep training her 2 week old, and she asked her Facebook friends to wish her luck. That was it. A simple statement declaring her intentions and asking for good fortune.
FORTY-FOUR COMMENTS LATER...
She was told he was too young. She was told he could have been started from the day she got home from hospital. She should let him cry. She shouldn't let him cry. Breastfeeding was painful. Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. Use Lansinoh. Wrap him. Use a dummy. Use nipple shields. Try feeding without the shields. Let bub get really worked up. Don't let bub get really worked up. Read this book. Read that sleep guide. Don't let bad habits form now. Helping them get to sleep now isn't a problem.
People, I am not exaggerating, I actually went back to the status to write that paragraph. At no point had she asked for advice and yet this poor first time Mum had it thrown at her by well meaning cyber friends who all just knew they had something to offer. And yes, I was one of them, (I so often am).
But don't you remember what it feels like? To be bombarded by a multitude of different opinions? To be overwhelmed and confused by the conflicting advice? To be tired and hormonal and about to pull your hair out, not knowing which is your left or your right?
She was told he was too young. She was told he could have been started from the day she got home from hospital. She should let him cry. She shouldn't let him cry. Breastfeeding was painful. Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. Use Lansinoh. Wrap him. Use a dummy. Use nipple shields. Try feeding without the shields. Let bub get really worked up. Don't let bub get really worked up. Read this book. Read that sleep guide. Don't let bad habits form now. Helping them get to sleep now isn't a problem.
People, I am not exaggerating, I actually went back to the status to write that paragraph. At no point had she asked for advice and yet this poor first time Mum had it thrown at her by well meaning cyber friends who all just knew they had something to offer. And yes, I was one of them, (I so often am).
But don't you remember what it feels like? To be bombarded by a multitude of different opinions? To be overwhelmed and confused by the conflicting advice? To be tired and hormonal and about to pull your hair out, not knowing which is your left or your right?
To my Facebook friend, if you are reading this, I have some advice (hehehe). May your mantra be
What unsolicited advice would you offer a new mum?
shut the fuck up
You don't have to say it out loud, you smile and nod and in your head you shout
shut the fuck up!
Because everyone knows best, but everyone's version of best will be different. Take it all with a grain of salt, let it wash over you and out into the ocean. What works for someone else might not necessarily work for you, or it might be the perfect fit. Trust yourself.
You will never be able to control the continual ear bashing, but you can control how you handle it.
What unsolicited advice would you offer a new mum?
Haha love it! I so remember all the opinions and must remember to quieten my own opinion at times. Well said lovely xx
ReplyDeleteThanks hun :) Yes the hardest part is keeping your OWN mouth shut isn't it? hehehe x
DeleteI love it. It's now Rule #2 in Evil Genius Inc. Ahead of "Make a Mess; Clean it Up", but still behind "Suck it up, Princess".
ReplyDeleteOoh "Suck it up, Princess" is one of my faves too! Thanks for stopping by x
DeleteSo true Kelly. I can remember being completely overwhelmed first time around with everyone's unsolicited opinions on everything...sadly that never changes but you are right, you can change how you respond to it. Ignore and move on, I say!
ReplyDeleteExactly right Kirsty :) x
DeleteMy advice would be:
ReplyDelete1. Toss the friggen books out - Babies DO NOT come with a 'one size fits all' manual!
2. Nurses DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST - Sorry to any nurses out there who actually listen to patients and work together with them instead of barking down their trained agenda... Again as mention in number 1 - babies do not follow a 'one size fits all' manual!
3. Listen to your baby and yourself - If your bub works in a particular way then JUST DO IT.
4. Learn to say 'Thanks but no thanks!' and ignore any stares or "looks" you receive from Mrs Brown across the street or better yet total strangers in Woolworths! Everyone has an opinion!
5. Go easy on yourself... The first 3 months are tricky but it's a learning curve for both you and baby...
I had friends who tore me to pieces when I didn't make it out to lunch and coffee dates when Sunny was 6 weeks old. She was an unsettled baby and I cried alot and stayed home becasue she would scream hours on end. I felt so bad thinking I alienated my friends at first and then grew a friggen brain and realised that I shouldn't be apologising! They should be more sympathetic!
Sorry for the essay :) xo
Agree with everything your saying *especially* your first point!
DeleteI would also add:
Be careful about asking for peoples opinions because they will ove to give them to you.
You know I love an essay Sophie! All very good points, especially #3
DeleteMy second screamed a lot and we tried to go out a couple of times but people find it hard to focus on eating their meals and having a conversation when there is a screaming child right next to them!
And very true Kevin, if you ask, be prepared to receive!
Thanks guys x
Yep, I found one of the hardest things to be all the conflicting advice that was around the place, not just from well meaning friends and family but from the books and internet as well. I love to get advice from people because for me I like to know of a number of different strategies and ways to do stuff so that I can then try them all and figure out what works for us, but the unsolicited advice was really hard and frustrating to deal with, especially those that started with "You should be...". I didn't have a problem when people started with "What worked for so-and-so and I was...". I was much more likely to listen if someone was just telling me their experience rather than telling me what or how I should or shouldn't be doing something.
ReplyDeleteI love advice too, you sift through and pick what you like.
DeleteI usually start with "Have you tried..." don't I? Hmm... actually, now that I think about it, I've probably gone with "You should try..." on too many occasions. Tsk tsk. Damn me for being a sanctimonious know it all.
In all honesty Kell, if it were a friend of mine that wrote that status, I'd tell her to pull her head in. Sleep training a newborn is ... well, you don't have a baby because you love sleep now, do you?!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am SO very glad that FB wasn't as popular back when Amelia was a newborn. Being a first time Mum is hard enough without 101 different, conflicting opinions. The best thing I ever did was not bother posting anything on FB that may welcome advice unless I was looking for it ...
x
I should probably mention though that I have 400-odd friends on FB but only a handful of close friends that I'd ever tell to pull their heads in. Just wanted to clarify that so, you know, you don't think I'm too much of a biatch x
DeleteHahaha, biatch! No I get it, and I agree, that newborn stage is all for snuggles and snoozes, not sleep training... in my opinion. They're tiny for such a short time, I love to soak it up as much as I can. God I need more babies.
Deletexx
I've never in my life felt so JUDGED as I have since becoming a parent. We're judged on presentation, on manners, on behaviour, on feeding, on organisation, on just about everything! I don't cope well with being judged, it upsets me, always has. All that bombarding of 'advice' and information always just feels like a screaming judgement that what I'm doing is wrong, they are right and I'm ruining my child.
ReplyDeleteMy second is due at the end of this month, and things will be different this time, yes they will.
Ooh number 2 in a matter of weeks, how exciting! Yeah, I can see how advice can feel like judgement, you just have to not let it get to you :) Best wishes for a sweet end to your pregnancy, and thanks for stopping by x
DeleteMy advice would be : Lie . Yes, your child is a good baby, yes he sleeps through the night. I am so flat out I can't catch up with facebook friends until ....(make up a date 6-8 weeks post birth-once hormones calm down) ditch the books-listen to your baby & your heart. Put the vaccum cleaner in the middle of the kitchen floor so everyone thinks you are just about to vaccum or have just finished. Everyone else & everything else can go get far away. Aim for a nanna nap if possible in the afternoon. End of unsolicited advice that is not advice. Xlisa
ReplyDeleteOoh that is FANTASTIC advice, I love it! Lie indeed.
Deletex
My advice would be to take what you can use from the well-meaning advice givers and toss the rest.
ReplyDeleteTrust yourself and your own instincts.
Very good advice Jayne, thank you :)
DeleteMy groom and I are always saying "Shut the fuck up you must" It always makes me laugh. I love advice given out of love, but unfortunately the advice given from a lot of people is from anywhere but love.
ReplyDeleteLoved the post! Loved the blog! New follower
www.princessmama1.blogspot.com
Hahaha, thank you! Heading over to check you out :)
DeleteSo very true - as a new mother you get so much advice, often conflicting and it's hard to know which advice to draw on. My only advice is to go with your gut instinct when it comes to parenting :)
ReplyDeleteWe don't trust our guts often enough, in my opinion. A parent always knows x
Deletetwo week old bubbas and sleep training and two objects i wouldn't want to see in any sentence, let alone a fb update
ReplyDeletehaving said that though, life for a new mum is dead hard - the bombardment of advice is relentless most of the time, and for most of that time people often have your best intentions at heart, or not
silence is golden though, fb doesn't work like that ;)
I couldn't agree more Josefa, thanks for visiting x
DeleteYou nailed it, girl!!! Everyone's a friggin' expert.
ReplyDeleteEvery time unsolicited advice came my wa, I felt like saying, "Really? You know what it's like to give birth to premature twins and also understand what 2 months of nipple thrush feels like???"
Good on your for sending out that message. That's the kind of honest opinion we need to see more of.
In fact, I think I love you :)
I love you more Grace! (weird? no!)
DeleteThank you. And LOL!
x
Following you from the hop :) Can't wait to get started reading more of your blog. I promise to (only sort of) STFU :)
ReplyDeleteListen to all advice, filter the crap out including "just give them a bottle" when you've said a thousand times you wish to Breastfeed for 6+ months, and try not to fall into the trap of a well meaning friend diagnosing your child with the problem that their child had! People generally mean well, but I wish they'd realise it's your baby and you do not have to do exactly as they did to get your child to turn out right. Otherwise I might just go out & write a Dummies Guide to Raising Babies"!
ReplyDelete