Toilet Training Can Kiss My...

I should have known two things:

Forever the entertainer

1. That H wouldn't take to using the toilet as easily as J did. They are very different boys and H does like to stand out from his big brother. 
2. That posting about how good he was doing would jinx it. That it would lead to certain doom. Shit covered doom.

There are a couple of problems we've encountered:

1. My refusal to be a quitter. We've started this now and we are not stopping, there is no going back, he WILL be toilet trained.
2. H's stubbornness and his desire to do things his own way in his own time.

*Sigh*

I'm surprised by how much hair I have. You'd think that with this great toilet training debacle it all would have fallen about by now. Good genes I guess. Thanks Mum.

A couple of weeks ago I was at the Post Office. I'd underestimated the size of the satchel that I needed to send some crap I'd sold on ebay, so I was standing there having a stress and trying to punch these items down into the satchel. Not a quitter, you see. 

Then it hit me. It wafted up, invading my nostrils like an ant colony does a picnic. The smell of H. Correction, the stench of H. Do you find that? That your children's excrement each has its own recognisable smell?

I looked at him, he looked at me, his puppy dog eyes silently begging for forgiveness. I issued a stern whisper, trying hard to not lose my shit. One of us had already done that.

"Stand next to the pram and DO NOT MOVE."

I know, I know, all the books say that you should never get angry or punish them, but come on guys, it's easier said than done. When we walked out to the car I decided to try some reverse psychology.

"Well, I have nothing here to clean you because poo isn't supposed to go in your pants, so you can't get in my car..." I said as I walked away from him. "You can't sit in your seat with poo in your pants, I'll have to go home and get you some new pants and undies. I'll come back and clean you up."

Mummy's boy xx

I walked towards the drivers door expecting him to follow and yell at me. I opened the door and there was silence. I stopped and waited... nothing. I walked back to the rear of the car and there he was, standing there with his hands clasped in front of him.

"What are you going to do?" I asked him.

"I just wait here..." He responded glumly.

Epic. Parenting. Fail. 

I dropped to my knees, wrapped my arms around him and begged for his forgiveness. "I would never leave you!" I declared, no doubt confusing the poor 2 1/2 year old with my mixed messages. He smiled, and I'm not sure if I should interpret that as happiness that he wasn't in trouble, or smugness that he'd just guilt tripped me? I fear it's the latter. He is the master manipulator after all.

I love this kid, I really do, but I'm sure he was born to push my buttons.

The boys go to childcare 2 days a week, we wanted some continuity while I was on leave so they weren't too thrown out when I go back to work again. I was talking to the carer about H and his refusal to poo in the toilet. She gave me the "It's very normal" talk and I smiled and nodded. I don't care if it's normal, I'm tired of cleaning shitty undies.

*This is the post that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started reading it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue reading it forever just because this is the post that never ends...*

You can keep the "Maybe he's not ready!" comments to yourself as well, because he's now adamant that he is a big boy who doesn't wear nappies, so there's no going back. So anyway the carer suggested I relax about it and not put too much pressure on him. Ok, then can you come and clean his undies every day? 

When he's with her, she puts a pull-up on him after morning tea, he goes and hides to do his poo, then she puts his undies back on. Do you think he's that regular at home? No friggin way. I have even had him sitting on either the toilet or the potty for an ENTIRE day (no exaggeration) and nothing. He just didn't poo at all.

And in this house, we are not above bribery. In fact, we love it. So we have tried to bribe the shit out of him (literally) and although the bribes are AWESOME and he gets crazy excited and yells at us "YEAH! I POO IN TOILET!"... It doesn't happen.

I'm telling you, 'Toilet Training Boot Camp'. It's my genius business idea. I should trademark that shit. I'd make millions.

I have a friend who started toilet training both of her girls at 6 months of age... honey, if you're reading this, hit me up with the deets already! Tell me your method! HELP ME!! I'll be damned if I have to go through this again with A.

So, dear readers, has your child struggled with toilet training? Please give me all of the answers!