Babygirl, I know you hate having your face wiped, but so long as snot is pouring out like a waterfall, I'm gonna keep wiping. Do you really want to keep licking it? Because there will be no kissing mummy if you keep that shit up. Suck it up princess, let me wipe your face without screaming please!
Dear Inconsiderate Arsehole,
I don't know who the hell you think you are, smashing my car and just taking off. Who does that? Have you no common decency? I hope karma bites you in the arse so hard that you can't shit for two months. And at the end of the two months, when you go and have corrective surgery so you can shit again, I hope that someone smashes your car while it's sitting in the hospital carpark, and takes off, and you never find them.
Dear Roxy girl,
You've been our loyal furry friend for almost 11 years and we love you to the moon and back. But if you dig one more goddam hole I'm pretty sure M is going to send you packing. I've tried to help you out girl, I've walked you, I've sent the kids to play with you, but you keep on digging. Unless there is some buried treasure (that is going to land me a harbour front 7 bedroom 7 bathroom house) buried in our yard CUT THAT SHIT OUT!
Dear Local Council,
What the fuck were you thinking, turning a straight road into a curved one? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that is? I used to enjoy the drive down this particular road, and now it's just plain annoying with all the slowing and steering. You've ruined my route.
Seriously, we gotta talk. This snoring dog of yours has GOT TO GO. At first I thought it was your husband, and this I could live with, the man enforces the law, he's allowed to snore. But a yappy little runt of a dog? Well, that's just plain annoying. If it were a real dog then you'd be forgiven. But it's a rat, and it yaps, and it snores like a chainsaw, and I hate it.
Can you please remind me, who do we have in the family Kris Kringle? I know I promised that I wouldn't forget this year, but alas, I've forgotten. Thank you. Love you. Hope you're well xx
Dear Inventor of Nutella,
God bless you. The world is a better place, because of you.