Dear A,
Babygirl, I know you hate having your face wiped, but so long as snot is pouring out like a waterfall, I'm gonna keep wiping. Do you really want to keep licking it? Because there will be no kissing mummy if you keep that shit up. Suck it up princess, let me wipe your face without screaming please!
Dear Inconsiderate Arsehole,
I don't know who the hell you think you are, smashing my car and just taking off. Who does that? Have you no common decency? I hope karma bites you in the arse so hard that you can't shit for two months. And at the end of the two months, when you go and have corrective surgery so you can shit again, I hope that someone smashes your car while it's sitting in the hospital carpark, and takes off, and you never find them.
Dear Roxy girl,
You've been our loyal furry friend for almost 11 years and we love you to the moon and back. But if you dig one more goddam hole I'm pretty sure M is going to send you packing. I've tried to help you out girl, I've walked you, I've sent the kids to play with you, but you keep on digging. Unless there is some buried treasure (that is going to land me a harbour front 7 bedroom 7 bathroom house) buried in our yard CUT THAT SHIT OUT!
Dear Local Council,
What the fuck were you thinking, turning a straight road into a curved one? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that is? I used to enjoy the drive down this particular road, and now it's just plain annoying with all the slowing and steering. You've ruined my route.
Dear Neighbour,
Seriously, we gotta talk. This snoring dog of yours has GOT TO GO. At first I thought it was your husband, and this I could live with, the man enforces the law, he's allowed to snore. But a yappy little runt of a dog? Well, that's just plain annoying. If it were a real dog then you'd be forgiven. But it's a rat, and it yaps, and it snores like a chainsaw, and I hate it.
Dear Nan,
Can you please remind me, who do we have in the family Kris Kringle? I know I promised that I wouldn't forget this year, but alas, I've forgotten. Thank you. Love you. Hope you're well xx
Dear Inventor of Nutella,
God bless you. The world is a better place, because of you.
Poor angsty you! Thank God for Nutella :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm yet to meet a person who doesn't love Nutella!
DeleteWe all need a little vent every now and then ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is a bit refreshing, isn't it? :)
Delete:) I love these letters, and I'm currently shaking my fist at the council, the car hitting nincompoop and the yappy dog on your behalf :)
ReplyDeleteWhy thank you for the supportive fist shaking, much appreciated! Good karma for you :)
DeleteYou can add my name to the letter to the council, I don't know why they fucked that road up like that, it's stoopid! And the car hitting dickhead.
ReplyDeleteSo very stupid. And I'm so depressed after driving around for over a week in my battered car. I look like a silly woman driver!
DeleteOh thankyou so much for the laugh this Friday afternoon! And thank god for nutella!
ReplyDeleteChrissie xx
Anytime Chrissie! Thanks for stopping by :) x
DeleteI cant believe some a#%ehole smashed up your car and just drove off. Its Un-Australian I tell you. Un- Australian!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? I mean, a slight scratch I could understand, but that much damage? COME ON!
Deletethanks for making me laugh! love it!
ReplyDeleteNot a problem, I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
DeleteHaha! Thanks for a good laugh!
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome :)
DeleteI'm sooo with you on the wiping. "No, daddy doesn't nuzzle your glazed nose and lips! #$%# well blow!"
ReplyDeletealso... thanks for the form on reservoir dad. Karma account + 1
I had a lovely snot-full kiss today *gag*
DeleteYou're welcome!
Found you on YKIHAYHT's TGIF Blog Hop. Funny post and great site you've got here!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laughs. :)
Teri
Snarkfest
Thanks Teri, and you're welcome! So glad you stopped by :) x
DeleteNewest follower here! I found you through the Friday blog hop! Cute blog, I can’t wait to read more!
ReplyDelete-meandmr.com
Well welcome then new follower, so happy to have you here, I hope you find more you like :)
DeleteLOL! Gad, you crack me up, woman! Our old neighbour next door had this really whiney dog. Used to drive us insane. Then when they were moving, we found out that his mum had died a year before we had moved in and that's when it started its whining. How heartless did I feel ??!
ReplyDeleteAnd that dickhead who hit your car!! Bad vibes for him!
Oh Grace, bahahahaha... You're not heartless, death of a mother is no reason to whine for YEARS! (Ok, now that's heartless!)
DeleteThanks for the bad vibes x
I just bought a new HUGE tub of Nutella today...and thought the same thing as you! lol!
ReplyDeleteHehe, great minds Lisa :)
DeleteThe very fact that will not type the word Asshole or Ass, but will use the word FUCK.. makes you my new hero. and I'm on board with your letter about Nutella. I love that shit to no end..
ReplyDeleteLOL - just got around to reading this now and it cracked me up !
ReplyDeleteHave a great day and I hope the dog is dealt with soon !!!!
Me
Hi! I'm joining you with the TGIF Blog hop and firstly, you made me laugh but jesus what an a-hole that did that to your car! Ugh, people give me the shits!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, happy Friday :)
Love this one! Great letters, and straight to the point (no pun intended!) Yeah little dogs who yap/snore are so not fun.
ReplyDeletereally like the letter you wrote to the person who hit your car, wouldnt it be great if they actually did receive the letter! Be too funny :)
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