One
of my friends made a comment over dinner a few weeks back that’s been festering
in the back of my mind. Not because I was offended by it, but because it gave
strength to something I’ve been trying to bury for a while now. Something I
didn’t want to face, because I thought facing it would mean letting go.
I’ve
heard many times that you lose touch with friends when you have children. When
I became a mum at 25, I was certain that it wasn’t going to happen to me. It
didn’t matter if my friends didn’t have children, I still loved them dearly, we
would still be friends. I was determied not to slip from social circles, to
retain the me that was while also growing into this new role of someone’s mum.
Fast
forward four years and I can confess that I’ve only been semi-successful. I’ve
removed my presence from some circles simply because I just don’t have the time.
I’m ok with this, I believe that friendships evolve and some expire and it’s
all a part of life. There are some friends that I have less frequent contact
with but can always talk to as if time hasn’t passed. There’s no bad blood on
my part.
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| Fancy dress before we became parents |
Then
there are those friends who are still a constant in my life, and it was one of
them who made the comment, “You need to get a life.” It was in reference to my
statement of guilt about going out without my family, and as I said, it’s not
that I was offended. I was saddened. Saddened because I’ve been patiently
waiting, waiting for the past four years, for my friends to catch up. For my
friends to get it. And this comment reiterated that they don’t.
I
vividly remember life before children. Life when my husband, career, house,
family, friends and dog were all that occupied my time. Now on top of that I fit
in 3 new little lives, and I wonder how on earth I ever felt fulfilled
before? And even more so, in hindsight, I had all the time in the world,
because 24 hours of each day were mine and mine alone.
Some
friendships are worth maintaining, they are worth their weight in gold. I know
that when my friends have children, their eyes will be opened to this wonderful
world of parenthood, and I won’t have to worry about such ignorant comments as “You
need to get a life!” So I’ll keep waiting, patiently, not holding onto any I told you so’s or hoping for any You were right’s, but eager to be a part
of the evolution of their lives, of our friendships.
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| Fancy dress for J's first birthday (2009) |
I know exactly how you feel. We were in the same boat - Miss E was born when Mr O and I were 25 and none of our friends had kids. Six years on, they're catching up now (a bit). I have found, though, that it's not the same. In the intervening years, we found new friends through our kids. Not because we wanted to move on, but through necessity. If any activity was to be child-friendly, we organised it. Anything anyone else organised invariably involved going out and getting ridiculously drunk, or lunch catch-ups at busy restaurants an hour's drive from us - no thanks.
ReplyDeleteOne of these friends who is now mother to an 11 month old daughter said to me recently: "I know how you feel." I smiled. But really, she still has no idea. She has us. She has another of our friends with a two-year-old. We had nobody but our own little family (which really was all we needed and wanted anyway!)
This rings true to many of us! It is sad that the dynamics of some friendships do have to change but I'm with you Kel... I wouldn't chnage my baby for the world... I have friends that are mothers too and some of which I can speak to once every 3 or 6 months and I swear we pick up as if we never had a break in between phone calls! Life is busy! But life is even busier with children! And can I say that my life with my baby is the most rewarding and exciting time of my life because I learn more from her than I ever have from anyone else in my life and I'm sure you think the same :)
ReplyDeleteHold tight Kel... What I realised is that at the end of the day I really didn't care all that much about such comments as "get a life!" and trust me I've had my fair share too...
I have found too, that since I had kids that my friendships have changed. I have made so many new friends through mothers groups, and all the other stuff I do now with the kids. They get it and can relate when that's all i've got talk about. It's a bit weird when someone else asks 'what have you been up to?'. Nights out aren't as wild as they used to be, and we don't have the late nights and drinks round home anymore, I don't miss it one little bit. I don't know what the I did with my days before, it must have been boring lol.
ReplyDeleteYour a better person than me-the comment "you need to get a life" would have hit a nerve. I can relate to this post so much. Most of my childless friends are understanding but I still don't think they totally "get" the mum & family commitments plus guilt you do feel. I had quite a busy childless life but that has nothing on my life now (3 boys, 4,2.5 & 4 months) by the time your friends catch up, you might have more time on your hands with older kids: role reversal will be interesting.
ReplyDeleteAfter turning 46 and still "child free"... I would love to have "your life" Kel! I wish I was 25 again and met my husband back then... having a life with 3 children would be so fulfilling! I envy your life Kel... you're one super mum with a "super life"! Tell your friend to "get a life"... some people are jealous of what others have and make out that their life is some fantastic thing... but it's not that rosy really! :)
ReplyDeleteThumbs up, you did it well, nothing to worry about here! Thank god I'm too recognisable in that last pic! Lol!
ReplyDelete